For those who don't understand the football lingo at a match, read this:
It's got nil-nil written all over it.
We're c***. They're c***. It's cold. I wish I was anywhere else but here.
Refereee!!
Response to anything done by the man or woman in black not considered worthy of a torrent of abuse.
**** *** you ****.
Everything else the referee does.
Offside!
To be yelled every time the opposition cross the half-way line.
You're 'aving a larf, lino.
Use anytime the flag is raised when fewer than seven of your side are less than five yards offside.
Off! Off! Off!
An opposition player has made a tackle.
Penalty!
Any of your team's players trips over in, or in vaguely close proximity to, the box.
Was that in the box?
If anyone needs to ask........ it wasn't.
Get a ****ing sub on, manager.
You're 1-0 down.
Get that ****ing sub on NOW, you w**ker!
You've gone another goal down.
Too bl**dy late, pri**!
A third has gone in.
OoooooooohhhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!!!!!
Uttered by small boys from behind the goal when the opposing keeper takes a kick.
She fell o-ver.
Use when an opposition player has been decapitated.
Animal! Bl**dy animal! (Alternating with "Off, off, off!.)
Use when an opposition player has helped your star striker to his feet after he has fallen over.
He mistimed that one.
One of your team, has run thirty yards across the pitch to unleash a head high drop-kick at an opponent.
TALK TO 'IM!
Directed towards our keeper at thirty second intervals.
SHOOT!!
One of your team has possession in their half.
CLOSE 'IM DOWN!
One of their team has possession in your half.
You're all a ****ing disgrace.
To be used at any time your team is not leading by at least four clear goals.
We deserved it.
At the end of any match won.
We deserved it really.
At the end of any match lost.
If anyone deserved it, it was us.
At the end of any match drawn.
We were playing 12 men today.
The referee has sent three of their players off, awarded you four penalties and disallowed five of their "goals" but they still won 1-0.
I've paid my money.(Said with a look of triumphant smugness.)
Standard response when someone gets fed up with your constant moaning and whinging and tells you to shut it.
Right, that's it, I've had enough of this sh*t!
It's 4-4 in the Championship decider with 5 minutes to go but I want to get out of the car park early.
C'mon *team name*, this lot are sh*t!
Yes, and we're losing to them, so what does that make us ?
Don't know why I bl**din' bother.
I'll be back next week to support the lads. See ya.
The ultimate guide to talking the talk at a football match
