Single
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2%, milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head , of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
Little Johnny Goes Fishing
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go pup yourself, these are my cookies"
Worst URL choices for companies
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
http://www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com
(Who have now changed thier name to
http://www.experts-exchange.com)
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
http://www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
http://www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
http://www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
http://www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
http://www.gotahoe.com
Maid for hire
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Towel waving lessons
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel! The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck?
THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
Learning some Manners
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students,one by one.
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go weewee."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted...
Women are from venus, Men are from Mars, and I have proof.
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much that her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the Penis.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A-hole.
(Gary)
female dog
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one
It's dark in here (I've heard this one before but I cant help and laugh at it.)
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that chease again"
Men explained
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs and cheese burgers?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a chease?"
Difference between a drunk and a stoner
What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
How long has it been
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Blond on the jury
Frank was on trial for first-degree murder, facing lethal injection if convicted, and the trial didn't seem to be going well for him.
His brother had been eyeing a good-looking blonde on the jury throughout the whole trial, and before the jury began deliberating he approached the blonde and told her he'd give her $10,000 if she could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the blonde's house, told her what a great job she had done and paid her the $10,000.
The blonde replied, "I tell you, it wasn't easy getting them to change their minds like that. They all wanted to acquit him!"
Blond on the jury
Frank was on trial for first-degree murder, facing lethal injection if convicted, and the trial didn't seem to be going well for him.
His brother had been eyeing a good-looking blonde on the jury throughout the whole trial, and before the jury began deliberating he approached the blonde and told her he'd give her $10,000 if she could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the blonde's house, told her what a great job she had done and paid her the $10,000.
The blonde replied, "I tell you, it wasn't easy getting them to change their minds like that. They all wanted to acquit him!"
Little Johnny, the Salesman
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like chease!" Then I would say, "It is chease. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
untitled, (heard it before, but still make me laugh(
A guy meets this really nice looking woman at the grocery store and asks her out on a date. She says "I will on one condition, you come to dinner at my parents house first." Seeing as this is a beautiful woman, and he is amazed she isn't involved with anyone, he accepts immediately. When he gets home he realizes that he will never make the best first impression with his current car and clothes, so he goes over to his friend's house to call in a favor.
He explains to his friend his dilemma and tells him that he really wants to show off to this girl and her parents. His friend tells him that he has just the fix. He shows him a nice suit that fits him like a dream. He then shows him to his garage where his cars were parked. The man looks around and tells his friend that he wants the very best. His friend sees the desperation in the man's eyes and shows him to the back corner of the garage. Under a tarp was a fully restored classic Harley Davidson motorcycle. In a second the guy knew that this was the way to win over her parents and the girl. The friend said he could use the bike on one condition. His friend tells him that he has restored this bike back from junk, and the seat is a very expensive leather. He told him that if it starts to rain he must spread vasoline on the seat to protect it if he couldn't get it covered. The man agrees and takes the bike out.
As he pulls up to the woman's parents' house, the woman meets him outside. She says that she forgot to tell him that during dinner no one talks, and if anyone talks during dinner they have to do the dishes. He says ok, but as he enters the house he realized the nature of this "house rule" is bigger than he could have ever imagined.
The dishes ran up the stairs, in the den, almost covered the kitchen and everywhere else in the house he could see. He couldn't believe his eyes, but he didn't let it compromise his demeanor and continued to talk it up with the parents like nothing was going on.
Come dinner time everyone sat down and started to eat in complete silence. Half way through dinner the woman started palying "footsies" with the man and he started to become aroused. He then thought up the best plan. He stood up in the middle of dinner and took the woman and bent her over the table and started having sex with her right there on the table, as he knew no one would say anything. And the room was silent. He continued to have sex until she climaxed ever so silenty. He then looked over at the woman's mom, who was surprisingly still young and pretty. He walked over to her and bent her over the table and had his way with her, everyone still absolutely silent.
He couldn't believe he was getting away with it until he looked over the dad's shoulder and out the window. He saw his friend's bike outside and lightning streaming across the sky in the distance. He stops and pulls the vasoline out his pocket. All of a sudden the dad jumps up and yells, "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE DISHES!!!"
Geeks.....
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop?"
Eskimo on Holiday
An Eskimo is on holiday in Wales. This car breaks down, A Welshman looks under the hood and says" you've blown a seal"
The Eskimo then replies angrily "So what!!!! You pup sheep...."
Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
----
Whisper (ew)
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, lean right over here and whisper in my ear."
---
Death in the Holy Land
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Visiting the Doctor
A guy had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so he decided to go see his doctor.
The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass. I'll give you the first dose, and you can have your wife give you the second one this evening."
"Okay" The man replies "anything to relieve this pain".
He drops his pants, bends over and allows the doctor to do his job. Later that evening he tells his wife what the doctor said and asks her help with the second dose.
She tells him to bend over, puts one hand on his shoulder and prepares to insert the suppository.
All of the sudden the guy screams, "Oh My God!!"
"What's wrong?" asks his wife.
The man replies, "I just realized - he had both his hands on my shoulders!!"
I want a sponge bath
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
Cool Joke
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The good, The Bad and the Ugly.
Good: You agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find the condoms
Ugly: Your daughter has them.
G: Your son spends a lot of time in his room.
B: You find porn movies under his bed.
U: Your in them.
G: Your husband follows the latest fashions.
B: He's a transvestite.
U: He looks better than you.
G: Your sons maturing.
B: He's inolved with the woman next door.
U: So are you.
G: You explain sex to your daughter.
B: She keeps interrupting.
U: And correcting you.
G: Your wife isn't talking to you.
B: She wants a divorce.
U: She's a lawyer.
G: Your son is dating someone new.
B: It's a man.
U: It's your best friend.
G: Your wife is pregnant.
B: It's triplets.
U: You had a vesectomy four years ago.
The child whispered, "No"
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"
"Yes, " whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Back up plan
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!" *
Be thankful for what you have
A man was not really happy about his manhood... it was actually too long....... 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to Sangoma to ask for advice. The Sangoma thought for a long time before she said:
"Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog. Ask the frog if it wants 2 marry you. If it says "no" your manhood will shrink by 10cm, but if it says "yes" it will grow by 10cm so the risk is yours."
The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it: "Will you marry me little frog?" "No", said the frog. The man ran home and measured his manhood.
Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so excited about the results, that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again. "Will you marry me little frog?" "No", said the frog. The man ran home and measured his manhood. Again he found that it had shrunk 10cm down to 30cm. The man was thinking, "hmmm 20cm, now that would be the perfect size" and ran back into the forest. He met the frog again and asked him again "Will you marry me little frog?"
The frog answered him:
Man what is wrong with you? I already told you: NO! NO! NO!
Moral of the story be thankful for what you have.
